This script was written in another universe, too. We don't have this kind of scripts here. It's too bad.

Camera shows the Phoenix, landing on the sand dunes just outside Mos Eisley. Phileas looks outside. "This is not where we should be, Passepartout."

"I'm sorry, Master, I apostologize," Passepartout says, horrified.

Jules suggests that they should split up, and "We could go different ways . . . spend about a hour looking around the town, to get some idea where we are. After an hour we should head right back here."

Phileas doesn't look very happy about the idea, but as Rebecca agrees that it makes sense he doesn't protest. Phileas goes South, looking upset. He obviously has a strong sense of deja vu, as he repeats the word several few times as he walks looking around the town. Here we should show as much of the city to the audience as possible. Phileas is obviously amazed.

Cut to Jules as he enters a shop. There, a unshaven man dressed as a farmer attacks him, yelling loudly "Luke, what are you doing here in these clothes? Aren't you supposed to be on the South Ridge repairing the vaporators?" Jules is beaten black and blue.

Cut to Jules' other self dressed in the local farmers' attire, exactly where he is supposed to be, repairing vaporators on the sand.

Cut to Rebecca talking to a local man. He obviously thinks he knows her, and suggests that they go to a place where it will be safe to talk. She goes with him into a small house. The man addresses Rebecca as "Princess." She plays along.

Cut back to Phileas. Beginning to sweat in the heat, he takes off his outer suit-coat and continues in his shirtsleeves. As he turns a corner near the docking bay, we see a tall man with curly red hair and intense green eyes. This man is dressed in a long gray coat with many pockets; a close-up of his belt-buckle reveals a man fucking something that looks like a two legged boar.

The man accosts Phileas. "Han, are you out of your mind to come here, with a price on your head? You'll be taken to Jabba in an instant. Don't you know how much Jabba is offering for you? A hundred thousand! Come with me. You can stay at my house, and we can have a decent roll in the hay before they kill you."

Close up to the man's face; he looks incredibly surprised. "Damn it to the seventh blue hell, you are not Han. I can feel it -- you don't even know me. Who are you then? And where did you come from?" The man stares at Phileas.

Cut to Phileas' other half just for a second; he is sitting in at a table playing cards.

Cut back to Phileas and the man who has accosted him. Phileas' face looks like someone whose mind is being read from the first taste of his mother's milk to this second. (I don't know how Praed is going to do that, but I have the feeling that he can do it.) The whole thing last about 30 seconds.

Then the man says "That'd explain it, not that I believe in parallel universes, but when it pops up right in front of my face I must believe. Man, you are in serious danger, here. You better warn the others that you can't wander around in port like this. If someone has to, it has to be the other guy, or your cousin -- but she is too good-looking."

"How do you know?"

"Didn't you just tell me about her?"

"I didn't say a word. You must have been reading my mind!"

"I was? I didn't know I could do that." The man reaches into one of his many pockets, taking out a painted gourd, uncapping it, and offering it to Phileas. "Here, I think you could use some of this. By the way. My name is Herlivon Xalnodest, you can call me Ksal. That's how you pronounce the "Xal," in Corellian. That's what I am, a Corellian down to the last gene. -- Don't drink the whole gourd, man, this is Kessel spice brandy, the real thing, not the imitation. If you're not used to it a few small sips are more than enough."

"Is it alcohol?" Phileas asks. His face should show somehow that he is obviously dealing of a telepath of some sort. (Don't know how Praed is going to do that, but man, he can do anything.)

"About 80% of it; the rest is diluted spice. I don't know how it affects your species. I don't even know what you are."

"Well, where we came, from call ourselves human."

"There are so many kind of humans, here, that just being human is not enough to determine what you are and how certain chemicals will affect you. For example. Corellians can't digest meat. And we have something to sense a planet's magnetic field with, even in space." Here Xal should grin like there's no tomorrow.

Phileas decides he might as well try the drink. He takes a cautious sip, at first. The camera pans to his crotch, showing an erection obviously caused by what he drank. Xal runs his hand lightly over Phileas' erection, not very aggressively; Phileas looks confused.

"Well, it works on you like on any Corellian."

"Is this something addictive?" Phileas asks.

"You bet your family jewels it is. I told you to be careful. Spice is addictive in most of its forms, but I think I mentioned that this is the real deal. Thirty credits for a single dram. It's not that addictive if you take it only once, but if you take it regularly then it is. I should know. I can't live without it. Maybe you were right about that mind-reading, because if I'm not spiced out of my mind I know what's happening miles away and it drives me nuts. But now that we are talking seriously, you can tell me your name."

"Didn't you read my name in my mind?" Phileas asks. He looks as if he is trying to regain control over his arousal, but as the camera keeps showing it, the audience knows that his control doesn't work.

"Names don't really come through. Faces and feelings do, images, but not names. I could find your house in your town, but I still wouldn't know the name of the street unless I spent the whole day trying to retrieve a memory when you were looking at the street sign. Just how the fuck I know this kind of things, anyway? I'm not a Jedi, I hope. Or maybe I am. That'd explain how can I get away with everything I do, and why I haven't gotten myself killed yet."

"What is a Jedi?"

"Someone who can feel the Force?"

"What is the Force?" Phileas looks a little worried; it is one of those looks when he feels the supernatural.

"There are too many interpretations of what it is. Some call it an energy field created by all living things that binds the Galaxy together; others think that the Force is a gazillion microscopic beings that communicate with us via some thing they call midichlorians that some of us have in our blood. Do you have that in your world?"

"Not that I know of." Pan to his crotch; Phileas is still erect. "All right. My name is Phileas Fogg."

"Come on. You have a perfectly good erection; let's not waste it." Xal touches Phileas' erection again.

"I don't have sex with men. I don't think I'd like that."

"That's a stupid thing to say. How do you know that you don't like it, if you've never tried it? Don't be so rigid about it. This is a very large galaxy. There are a lot of things a being must try."

Phileas doesn't even answer. He just gets hold of Xal's hand and pushes it away.

Cut to Jules, who is dragged into a speeder and driven to a farmstead, where his other self is sitting at dinner. General confusion ensues. The older man, Lars, nearly faints seeing two of his nephew; he apologizes to Jules for beating him. "Sorry, but you two look exactly alike."

After this the two young men go into Luke's room, and sit down to talk. "Does he beat you like this often?"

"Not that often. Maybe twice a week. Far less often than he used to when I was younger -- then he beat me every day. Who are you ?" Luke asks.

"I'm you from another time and another universe," Jules explains.

"Interesting. How did you come here?"

"We have a machine that can travel through time, and sometimes it takes us to a parallel universe."

"If you are me, does it mean that we have the same life?"

"No, we have the same personality, but not the same life. We are the same person, but under different circumstances." The affinity between them is obvious. (There should have been a conversation here, but we decided to cut it in favor of taking three minutes here the blowjob at the end.)

Cut to Phileas. He and Xal are walking to Xals' house, in a narrow alley.

I will describe the house because the layout of the house will come play a role in the next scene. It is a small house, with a very tiny walled garden without flowers; the garden contains sand, and an interesting assortment of rock. It opens from the street. The house opens from the garden. The house is only one room, with a fairly low ceiling and a shower that doesn't even have a door; in one corner there's something that looks like a microwave oven but not quite. Get the designers to come up with some interesting looking stuff. There should be a bed, rather large, but more like a pallet on the floor; and quite a few locked metal crates, piled up by the wall, up to the ceiling.

As they enter, Xal gets a cup and offers water to Phileas. "Drink. May your well never run dry."

"What kind of saying is this?" Phileas asks, after he finishes the water; he was obviously very thirsty. He checks his watch: it is time to head back to the Phoenix.

"This is what the locals consider the best blessing you can offer to a stranger."

"I must go now. We agreed that after an hour we would all meet back at our time machine. "

Xal looks at him, disappointed. "I was hoping I could get you in bed."

Just as Phileas steps out to the garden, three men jump him from the top of the garden wall. One is Greedo, the second is Boba Fett, and the third one is Dengar. Xal draws a blaster, but before he can harm them he gets a stun shot, and rather gracefully collapses on the sand. One of the bounty hunters kicks him in the side.

Phileas is tied up and dragged away. They push him into a speeder, none too gently.

Cut to Rebecca. She is still talking to the man, who treats her very nicely. It is rather obvious that he is madly in love with her but doesn't dare show it.

Cut back to Phileas. He is dragged inside Jabba's palace. They hit him a few times, for good measure. By the time he is taken to the throne room, blood is running down his face. Jabba says something in Huttese -- subtitles here -- "Tie him to the grate. Anybody who passes him by should at least kick him or if there's a better idea, anything will do as long as he is hurt. But don't hurt him too much. I want to keep him alive at least for a month. Just hurt him enough to make him groan a bit. And feed him enough to keep him alive, and in good enough shape to scream"

Phileas is stripped naked and tied to the grid over the Rancor's pit. A creature called Salacious Crumb goes to him and scratches him with his claws all over; camera shows the marks in extreme close-up, particularly those on his inner thighs, in order to give the audience a nice view of his penis. The audience should appreciate that.

Cut to Jules. His other self is driving him in a speeder to the Phoenix. There is no sign of Phileas; Jules is getting worried. Passepartout is even more worried. Luke is very quiet; it is obvious that he feels something.

"Your friend is in grave trouble," he says. "I can feel it."

"Can you sense where he is? "Jules asks. He makes a very worried face, so that those fan writers who will slash Jules and Phileas can refer to this scene as evidence that Jules' expression is an obvious sign that what he feels is more than friendship.

"I think I have an idea of the general direction. I think I could go there just following my feelings," Luke says. "Not only he is in trouble, but someone got hurt trying to protect him." They hop into the speeder. Passepartout would like go with them, but he thinks that someone must stay with the Phoenix.

A minute later he is proven right when about four Jawas attack him. They are no match for his swordplay. He kills them all, and throws their bodies on the sand.

Cut to Jules and Luke in the speeder. Luke is driving, and, following his instinct, he finds Xal's house. The door won't open without a code, but Jules and Luke manage to climb the wall by stepping on each others' shoulders. Luke tries to shake Xal awake as Jules makes again one of those worried faces for the pleasure of the slash writers. (Tell Demetral to do that as often as possible. This is a gold mine. It's our duty to exploit it.)

Xal finally awakens. He stares at the two identical boys. "Somehow I think you didn't come here to fuck. That would be nice, to have two of you to fuck, but how come there are two of you? Is one of you from the same parallel universe Han's double came from?"

"Han's double?" This sounds like a man's name to Jules, and he knows that Passepartout stayed with the Phoenix, so he makes the obvious connection. "You met Phileas?"

"Yes, but they think he's Han, and they'll hurt him a lot."

"Where did they take him?"

"To Jabba's palace," Xal says, with a very worried expression.

(We don't know yet who is going to play him, but we need someone who is as good with acting with his eyes as Praed is. Could we get the guy from Farscape? No forget him, let's go for the dead assassin from Lexx. If not him, get the one who plays the curly blond on Herc. He might be a bit short, but we can always give him a bit of a lift. But that one can do almost anything. This character has to be very good. He is the only original in these episodes. We should try all three, then we will see which one of them works out the best. Ok, let me get back to the scene . . )

At this point, the parallel Phileas arrives. The door slides open; Han enters, carrying about three large bags. "Xal, what the hell is going on? I heard people saying that I have been taken to Jabba's palace."

"That wasn't you. That was your double from a parallel existence."

"Xal, just how much spice you have taken?"

"I'm stone cold sober. Look at those two boys. One of them is the son of the moisture farmer, if you recognize him, you bought water from them last year. And the other is his other half, from a parallel existence. I met your double just this morning. The poor bastard is getting what Jabba wanted to do to you. I think we owe him at least an attempt to free him."

"You might have a point there. That boy looks like the nephew of Owen Lard. Or Lars? I don't really remember his name."

Cut to Passepartout. He runs around in the Phoenix asking "Where is Miss Rebecca?"

Cut to Rebecca. She is facing her parallel self who, is not at all happy to see her. Leia is there with about thirty Rebels, armed to the teeth. She says, "Kill this clone."

"What is a clone?" Rebecca asks.

"Too bad that you don't know. We are going to send your dead body back to Vader."

"Who is Vader?" Rebecca asks. It is clear that this is not making much sense to her.

"Kill her," Leia orders.

One of the Rebels says "I think I have a better idea, Princess. Why don't we turn the clone in to the Imperials? They will think that they got you. We have more important things to do. We have to get the droids to Alderaan, and we don't even have a ship."

Cut to Vader's ship. Vader is receiving a message from Tatooine. "Lord Vader. We finally captured Princess Leia."

"Transfer her to my ship immediately."

Show Rebecca in chains on a shuttle traveling in hyperspace, arriving to Vader's ship. Rebecca is taken inside.

Vader is no fool. "You are not Princess Leia. Who are you then?"

"I'm Rebecca Fogg. From a parallel existence."

"I always knew that those existed. How can one travel between them?"

"It takes a special ship."

"Let me have the design of that ship, and I let you go." Vader takes off his mask. He is Passepartout's double.

"I need your help to find my companions. I have my cousin with me, and a young friend. When we are all at the ship, you can study the ship all you want."

"That should be no problem. I can locate anybody through the Force."

"What is the Force?"

"You don't have that in your existence? It gives you the ability to see the future."

"Jules has this ability."

"Who is Jules?" Vader demands to know.

"Our young friend."

Vader sits down to meditate. "Your cousin's life is in danger. We have no time to waste, we must hurry." He orders his ship's crew to "Get me to Tatooine at once. Preferably within five hours."

Cut to Phileas; he is still tied to the grid. A Gamorrean guard is raping him. Camera close-up of his face; make it a Praed suffering eyes moment. The audience loves the suffering eyes moments. All right, make it a double treat, make it so that he bites his lips until they bleed. The audience will go nuts for that. Phileas tries not to scream and almost fails, but he doesn't scream.

Cut to the boys driving to Jabba's palace. It is night, and the sky is beautiful. Jules can't help staring at it. At one point Xal insists that Han get out of the speeder.

"No need to get you captured too. Just wait here. If the three of us can't get this guy out I'll be ashamed of myself."

"They said he is tied to the grid over the Rancor pit," Han says.

"Now that makes getting him out very easy."

"How does that makes it easy?" Han asks.

"We just have to get into the Rancor's pit from below, get his ropes cut from there, and pull him down through the grid."

"I don't see why providing the Rancor with four people to eat is a good idea."

"Xal, I'm glad it isn't me who needs to be rescued. I don't think that guy has any chance to be rescued."

"He will be rescued," Luke and Jules say, in unison.

Cut to Vader's ship, just entering the Tatooine system. Vader's shuttle lands right near Jabba's palace. Vader and Rebecca come out in the exact moment when Jules and Luke arrive with the speeder. Rebecca runs to Jules.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

"Came here with Passepartout's double. He'll help us to free Phileas for a chance to study the Phoenix."

Vader stands there as if he has turned to stone, looking at Jules and Luke. He finds them oddly familiar.

"Which one of you was born here?" Vader asks.

Luke answers. "I was. My name is Luke Skywalker."

"Skywalker? Luke, I'm your father. Come with me. Together we can end this destructive conflict, and rule the Galaxy as father and son."

"But what about the Emperor?"

"Consider him dead. He will be dead soon enough. Together we can kill him. Alone I can't. Only our combined power will be strong enough to take him. Now let's see to your task of freeing your friend."

They walk into the palace, all the doors opening when Vader waves his hand at them.

They enter the throne room. Here is another good slashy moment. Vader sees Phileas for the first time, and it is very obvious that he can barely restrain himself from joining the long line of beings waiting for a chance to rape Phileas.

Camera pans to Phileas' backside, showing blood. Okay, show a lot of blood. Okay, show the next being in line; make it a lizard with a thorny penis. Camera extreme close-up of Phileas' eyes when he looks at the now revealed penis. Another Praed suffering eyes moment.

Vader activates his lightsaber. Jules stares at it. He wants the design of that sword as badly as Vader wants the Phoenix.

"Watch me, my son. I will teach you to make one for yourself." Vader goes on a rampage with his saber; when he is done, they are the only ones alive.

"Can I learn to do that?" Jules asks.

"Do what? To make a lightsaber?" Vader carries Phileas in his arms to his shuttle. Okay, just one kiss here, Vader kisses Phileas' nipple just before he gets him to sickbay. There, a medical droid attends to him, putting bacta on his wounds and okay, put Phileas down on his belly and let the droid apply some bacta to his backside. This will be the show with the most Phileas full-moon moments in the whole season.

Now they go to the Phoenix. Vader is not wearing his mask. Passepartout is staring at his double, and looks at Jules' double.

"This my son," Vader says. "I presume he is your son in your existence."

Passepartout faints. Rebecca slaps him awake.

"Miss Rebecca, is it possible that he is right?"

"That's one thing we might never know? If you are in good enough shape, attend to Phileas, he has been badly hurt. He needs to be washed." Camera follows Passepartout as he goes to Phileas with a warm wet towel. Camera extreme close-up of the washing of the penis; we want to see every strand of the pubic hair and every movement of Passepartout's hands, especially the washing of the balls.

(Okay, no washing of the balls, let him lick them clean. They will go crazy for that. Can you imagine how many tapes of this episode we can sell? We will charge 100 florins, for that. They might scream that it is too expensive but they will fork it out even if they won't have money for food for a week. There isn't a fan who wouldn't value Phileas' balls over food. And believe me I can understand that easily. Given a chance I'd lick them clean myself.)

Cut to Vader and Jules. Now they are studying the Phoenix. Jules makes drawings of the ship and gives it to Vader. While Vader is making the design of the lightsabers, Jules is asking him to teach him how the hyperdrive works. Vader is doing more sketches, faster than any being can; Vader ends up with quite a stack of sketches. They exchange the sketches when they are done.

"You are very lucky young man. I'm one of the few hundred in this universe who can write by hand."

"How do the others write?"

"By computer."

"Like a typewriter?

"Sort of, but it is a machine that stores data. Not just writes."

"How can a machine store data?"

"The data is reduced to numbers."

"I will try to do that."

"You are quite a scientist, yet I sense that you are a warrior at heart. And you definitely have a high rating in the Force. Yet in your mind there is no knowledge of the Force?"

"I know that there's something we don't quite understand."

"It is an energy field created by all living things. It binds us, penetrates us, and holds the galaxy together. And it allows you to see the future, but the those visions are notoriously unreliable. The future keeps changing. Even as you see one vision, another might come. Seeing the first vision already changes the future, because your actions based on that vision will be different."

"I understand that." Jules looks like someone who has just had a revelation. Demetral does that quite well.

"Let me look at those crystals to see if we have them in our universe." Jules takes Vader to see the engine of the Phoenix. Vader smiles.

"These are the same stones that power the lightsabers."

"Can you give me some?"

"Yes I can, for a kiss. I'm lusting for my son. I can't have him, but at least with you I can have a bit of a feeling how it would be."

Jules looks worried. The kiss is long; okay it is a little more than a kiss, camera focuses on Vader's hand grabbing Jules' crotch and staying there for a while.

Cut to Leia. She is arriving at Jabba's palace within an oversized speeder with her rebels. "Well, Vader is not here. The information we received was either incorrect, or false." The only person they find is Han, sitting by the entrance. He has apparently heard them.

"Vader was here, but now he is gone."

"Where did he go?"

"I don' t know, I only saw his shuttle leave. Would you have a cup of water? I'm dying of thirst."

He looks at her; I want one of those rutting stag looks from Praed right in this moment, and one of those very rare looks of Hunt's that she has when she sees man that she might like. Leia gives Han a water bottle.

"Do you happen to know anybody who has a really fast ship? We need transport to Alderaan."

"That should be easy, I have a very fast ship -- the Millennium Falcon. How many passengers?"

"About thirty humans. And two droids."

"That might be difficult. Some of them might have to sleep in the cargo hold. Fortunately, it has life support. But who are you?"

"Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan. And who are you?"

"if you are Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan, then I'm the Emperor," Han answers.

Leia smiles. "Yes, your Majesty? This is your scruffy-looking nerfherder disguise?"

"Who's scruffy looking?" Han demands, with another of the rutting stag looks. "When are we leaving?"

"Right now."

"Then let's go -- docking bay 94."

They leave, going fast. Show the Falcon getting off planet just at the end of this scene.

Cut back to the Phoenix. Vader is there, and Xal, and Luke. Vader goes into his shuttle and comes back with a box that he gives to Jules; it has about ten stones in it. Demetral must do one of those irresistible smiles of his that he puts on when Jules is really happy.

Vader is talking to Luke. "My son, Sith need more sex than anything else. Take this man with you." He points at Xal. "You can treat him nice or nasty, just give him all the spice he needs. He is lusty enough for even a Sith. Not only lusty, but he is Force-sensitive, too. And he likes you."

"Is this true?" Luke asks.

"Most certainly," Xal answers. "Let me prove it."

Now we are going to do something that has never been done on the show yet. This will be the very first "Jules penis moment." Xal goes down on his knees in front of Luke and frees his penis. Show Vader watching them; it is obvious that he is sucking in Luke's pleasure through the Force. Show the whole works until it is time for Luke to come; we need either a scream or a groan or a few gasps plus the revelation look. It has to be obvious that Luke discovered a whole new world, and he will run his finger through Xal's hair. I want music -- very sexy music -- here. Vader looks very satisfied. And so does Xal.

Cut to Passepartout. He is apparently still wondering if Jules can be his son. There might be a chance we will take votes on that; if the audience wants it, we might do an episode when he is checking on the possibility. If they could do that on the Invisible Man we can do that too.

Show the Phoenix returning to their own time. They get out; Jules is carrying the stack of sketches. Phileas tells Rebecca that "I expect Jules to be very busy for a long time."

Jules says "I will be doing a lot of work on this. It's going to cost a lot of money, and I want the machine that stores data reduced to numbers."

Phileas tells him to "Spend as much as you need, as long as I end up having a lightsaber. And if you build a spaceship, I want to be on its maiden voyage.

End of this episode